The Break-Up Artist

                    

                   ‘Complete silence…….Her blood turns pale and red, everybody looks in awe and then she opens her eye and wakes up from the dead’.

        The final scene in the Twilight movie had me captured. That was the only movie in the entire series that made some sense (at least to me).

        Damn, it’s two in the morning and I am still up watching movies and munching on endless packets of chips (who does that, seriously).

‘Anup, go to bed already. You don’t want to be late for college’, my mom shouting from her bed.

Truth to be told, I am always late for class. It’s a different matter completely that I hardly attend the morning class.

Back in college…………..

We were in the cafeteria during recess, bragging about our past and err, girlfriends……

‘Hey man, there is this girl who simply won’t leave my way. What should I be doing’, my friend Sujan came to me and asked me.

‘Don’t I have any other job than answering your stupid questions?’ I remarked.

‘Please help me out Anup; I don’t want to break this girl’s heart’.

‘Says the man who got his heart crushed by a girl’, Navin, another friend remarked. ‘Wait not crushed, bulldozed,’ he corrected.

‘Shut up’, Sujan protested.

‘Chill guys, he’s having enough problems already- his marks skydiving down, his parents always over his head………,’ I said.

‘Look Sujan, Just stop calling or messaging her. She would realize you have moved on. Anyways she studies in a different college. You shouldn’t be having any problem. Unless, of course, her brother is a local Don.’

We all laughed.

‘Yeah, you guys keep laughing. Wait till your day comes,’ he said and got off, took his bag and moved away.

‘Don’t go and kill yourself,’ I smirked.

He showed us his middle finger and went away.

Sujan is a good-humoured person, but never shared a good rapport with the girls. He just seemed to piss them off.

Nevertheless, he was the only friend in our group who always got the stick. Some way or the other he would always be the laughing stock.

Guys, we need to play a real prank on him someday. Enough of such petty things, we should be looking at the bigger picture.

We all agreed to that. We simply couldn’t get enough of irritating him.

Days passed without much fun. Exams were near and everyone was busy studying their ass off. College reported scant attendance and whoever was present went home after the first period. It was mostly those few, so called “couples”, wandering here and there in the college, holding hands, under the trees………..and of course, we “idiots”.

It was one of those quiet days. I was at home, jotting down some notes I know wouldn’t be of any help to me.

‘Ass, ass, ass,…………………,’ my phone rang. Well that’s my ringtone, Big Sean’s latest chartbuster.

Yeah, these are the kind of songs I have in my music library. Pathetic!

 I got a call from Navin. Now, that was strange. Navin never called me, though he sent tens of jokes daily, but a call was the last thing I expected. I knew it was something big. I still have the memories and the scar of what happened last season (though that’s not what I am gonna say)

 ‘Just don’t tell me that I am in a problem,’ was the first thing I said as I picked up the call.

‘Umm………just come to college. I have to tell you something.’

‘No, I can’t. I have got to study.’

‘Oh come on, I am sure you will do well. Anyways I have to return your pen drive.’

‘Alright. Have you transferred those movies I told you?’

‘Ya, I have. Meet me near the auditorium.’

I was too lazy to get up from my desk. But I got up and put on some cologne and took my cycle (yeah, I am still in my cycle days), only to find a flat tire.

‘You have got to be kidding me,’ I cursed myself.

‘Just take the labourer’s cycle,’ my mom said.

So I borrowed one of them and paddled as fast as I could.

I saw Navin at the auditorium. He looked tensed.

‘Okay, so here’s the deal………I have been talking to a girl on the phone and we………umm, have sort of formed a relationship. It’s serious.’

‘So,’ I said, obviously not getting his point.

‘The thing is we haven’t seen each other, actually she hasn’t seen me yet and I told her that I am you. I mean, I have been pretending all this time to be you. Now she wants to meet and that’s the problem.’

‘Son-of-a-bitch,’ I cursed him and pushed him away.

‘Look, she’s in the science stream, and I thought that if I pretended to be someone from the science stream, things might work. Besides, I only thought this to be fun. I never knew it would get serious, Navin said.’

Here I should tell you that Navin was in commerce stream. Well, most of my friends were. The only friends I had in the science section, were those “serious” kind of guys (studies, were everything they had in their head)

‘Well, one day you have got to tell her. So why not tell her now and save the trouble.’

‘Look, I really need this to work. And I don’t want to sabotage her first impression of me.’

‘Well, you have taken care of that,’ I laughed. ‘By the way, where did you see her?’

‘At Padma Sir’s tuition.’

 ‘So, what’s her name?’

‘Smriti.’

‘Hmmm, what’s the plan now?

‘I don’t know. I am in a real big mess.’

‘Don’t worry, just tell her the truth. I am pretty sure if she likes you she will forgive you and besides, what 

have you got to lose.’

‘Umm, alright. Just don’t tell anybody else.’

‘I won’t but if that’s the only reason you called, I swear to god I am gonna kill you.’

‘Hang on; I need one more favour from you.’

‘Not again.’

‘Don’t worry; it’s not that big a deal. Can you teach me how to flash a Nokia cell-phone?

‘I suppose I could. But why?’

‘Well, do you remember this girl, Pooja………’

‘Yes. I do.’

‘Well I once told her that I could repair cell phones if they have a software problem. Now she needs my help in repairing a phone.’

‘Okay, I got it. You are two-timing both these girls and now you need my help.’

‘Ha ha……….you are clever. It’s what we learned back at school, remember, “Survival Technique”………’

‘As we say, Woh nahin to koi aur sahi.’

‘Bastard, I quipped at him while putting a wicked smile.’

Next thing I know, we both got into his scooter and I spent the next three hours teaching him how to fucking flash a cell phone. And the victim was a Nokia 5130, which I don’t think would ever see the light of the day.

‘Done, at last,’ I sighed. Though the whole process seems easy, showing someone how to do that is pretty exasperating.

‘Not yet,’ two of my friends came with three big plastic bags, with Dominos inscripted in it.

‘What’s in it,’ I enquired.

‘Guess,’ Gaurav said.

Bam, as he opened the packet, the aroma of butter and chicken filled the air……..

‘Wicked,’ I said. Looks like Bihu coming early……..

Before I could say anymore they started grabbing those with their bare hands and I thought why to miss the party.

With cokes in our hands, “Cheers”

I compensated heavily for the breakfast I missed (you have to agree, sometimes junk is way better than home food)

Back at home……….

It was evening and I was in my room listening to some country music. Recently I have developed a taste for country stuff- Taylor Swift, Lady Antebellum………..the list goes on.

Meanwhile, Sujan called. I thought he had called again for some computer tips. As soon as I picked up the phone, he started rambling about what shitty piece of advice I had given him. His girlfriend started calling him from different numbers, since he stopped taking her calls.

‘Screw you, she now calls from unknown numbers and guess what, the matter reached her parents and now they threatened me to stay away from her. Like I wanted all of this. It’s their daughter’s fault completely. They should…………’

‘Hold on. I didn’t let him complete. Why on earth are you calling me? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now suffer……’

‘But you……….’

‘Piss off.’ I hung up. I have had enough. Past week hasn’t been really kind to me. My exam marks were at an all-time low, I really didn’t understand any stuff in class and this shit was too much to handle.

It was just one month from exams now. Truth to be told, I was knee-deep in trouble. Back during school days my aim was to maintain above eighty percent marks. But now, I was trying hard just to pass somehow (you can see my level of degradation)

My phone beeped. I got a message from Navin-

‘Admit cards are being given. Come to college ASAP’

I replied-

‘Thanks, btw what bout ur girl, err, I mean girls’

I got no reply. I assumed things didn’t work out well.

A friend of mine gave me a lift to college. As I was walking down the corridor, I saw Navin and Smriti near the Principal’s office.

‘Hey, so you and…………’

‘Yeah, I and Smriti. You were right man, I told her the truth. I thought she would slap me for that, but instead she said that she loved me. I mean, can you believe this.’

‘I can’t. By the way, what’s about Pooja?’

‘Pooja, leave that. I don’t wanna talk about her.’

‘But………’

‘So, you are Anup, Smriti came around and asked.’

‘Yes, that would be me.’

‘I have heard a lot about you.’

‘Good things I suppose,’ I said with a smile.

We all broke into a laugh at that.

All of us took our admit cards. Navin told us to rendezvous at the cafeteria. I went to the library to return a book. Just then, someone called me……..

‘Hi’

I turned and saw a girl coming toward me.

‘Hey’

‘Have you checked my assignment?’

               

              Before, I go on there is one thing I need to tell. Well, there’s this thing in our college. During the first year, i.e., XIth, project works are assigned which is to be scrutinized by a XIIth standard student. And I was assigned to check Ayesha’s notes.

‘Yes, I have. It is brilliant’ (although I was lying straight to her face. I haven’t seen her notes yet)

‘So, how much will you give me?’

9 upon 10.

‘Really? What did you like the most?’

Well, I like your…………..

‘Ass, ass, ass, ass……………’

 Stupid, fucking cell phone